


Adrift

by manhattan



Category: Dangan Ronpa, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Comfort, Gen, PSTD, Post-Canon Fix-It, Spoilers, endgame spoilers, in which i rage about the unfairness of things, this is my healing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-30
Updated: 2014-04-18
Packaged: 2017-12-21 21:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/905398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manhattan/pseuds/manhattan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hinata Hajime wakes up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. shipwreck

**Author's Note:**

> errr so once again this has sdr2 endgame spoilers and maybe a lil bit of dangan ronpa if and dr0 spoilers!!!!!! be careful ok i dont wanna spoil anyone 
> 
> uhhh ok i've been battling this thing for two or three months now but im sucking it up and posting it b/c i got mad hinanami feels today and i felt like they had to be assuaged by fic so here we go im finally doing the thing where i post it

Hinata Hajime wakes up in someone else's body. He's wearing a hospital gown, something light blue, like the ones back at the island, and for a quick, terrifying moment, he believes himself to be back there. A soothing second passes, allowing his eyes to rake over the room he's in, and he breathes out. It's hard; he's never had trouble breathing before, but it's hard and he feels tired and when he looks at his hands he finds them skinny and long and jutting out from a bony arm that might've been his once. 

Hinata screams, and as he faints he thinks that at least his voice remains the same, however hollow and rusty. 

* * *

Hinata wakes up again, after what it feels like a very long, dreamless sleep, and this time he takes it easy. Slow.

There's a long curtain of hair shielding his eyes this time, black and thin like snakes, poisonous ones, ready to bite. He breathes in through his nose, pulling them back, behind his ear, dutifully ignoring the ghoulish hands that he is commanding.

The door in front of his bed – the only thing in the room save for an IV drip and a security camera – slides open with a cheerful set of beeps. Ah, Hinata thinks, finally someone I can recognize. Naegi waves at him, a little less cheerfully than Hinata remembers him being, and then walks in, followed by a girl he's supposed to remember but can't. Hinata squints at her, just a little, and something inside his brain informs him that she is carrying two guns, one under her arm and another on the inside of her leg, under her skirt. He swallows in dry, and decides that he'll have to look into the why of there being someone inside his head after this. Although what this  _is_ , exactly, he doesn't know.

"Good morning, Hinata-san," says Naegi, who'd looked taller back at—? Back at where? Hinata can't remember; the thought has vanished from his mind like the carbon dioxide from his lungs. "It's been a while."

Has it? He remembers Naegi perfectly, like it was just yesterday, but from where? And why?

The girl – who in closer inspection is actually a young woman, and why would he ever think otherwise, really, the angles of her face and hips inform him of her post-adolescent age – cuts in. She's been staring at his face all this time, just like Naegi, but while his gaze is a mix of warm and determined, hers is critical and cool.

"It will all come to you eventually." She hasn't moved from the door. Her arms are crossed. "For now, you should only listen to what Naegi-kun has to say. Understood?"

He nods slowly. Naegi gives her a look that Hinata recognizes as fond exasperation, a smile on his eyes, and then he continues.

"You are currently at the Future Foundation—" and a sudden rush of almost everything goes into Hinata like the spear through Komaeda, like the knife through the impostor, like, like—

Hinata vomits.

The young woman calls for a nurse and he thinks of Tsumiki, wide-eyed and flushed, panting between words like despair and love and did you know they used to use me as a dartboard and did you know I still have scars from those cigarette burns and do you want me to strip for you, because I will, you know, I'll do anything you want ...! And then Tsumiki becomes Komaeda, stutters morphing into a deep, eerie voice, devoid of malice but somehow overflowing with it: ah, you're what guides me, did you know, Hinata-kun, you're the light of my eyes and the fire of the hope that burns within me and you're going to be the one to save us all, aren't you?  _I don't know about that, Komaeda._  Well, he asks again, this time slower, leaning over, his mouth dripping, his stomach dripping,  _all of him_ dripping, are you saying you won't save me?

The nurse arrives immediately (he dimly assumes she'd been waiting outside, just in case), pulling the sheets off him professionally, even though he's still heaving air and bile, and then she hands him a metal bowl for him to spit whatever he has left on his stomach. It's not much.

"Don't be alarmed," the young woman says, and Naegi remains silent, eyes wide; there is no surprise there. Somehow, Hinata knows Naegi's not good at dealing with the ugly side of things. Perhaps because he's seen too much of it. Hinata registers that Komaeda had a dead girl's hand instead of his own and doesn't know why. "This has happened to everyone who woke up before you."

"'S'ayke," Hinata says, which really means  _who's awake_  in the language of someone whose mouth is wet and sour and numb.

"At the moment, only Nevermind-san and Kuzuryuu-kun," she replies fluently. Hinata has never heard anyone call Sonia by her last name before. "As soon as we get you presentable and fed, since I presume that is in fact what you want, you'll be able to join them. They are healthy and have been waiting to see you for a while now."

He spits, and mouths the words before he speaks them, just to check if he can. "How long has it been since I woke up?"

"About a month and a half," provides Naegi, this time. Then, he smiles. It's the most hopeful, beatific thing Hinata has seen in his life. He wonders what Komaeda would say about the sight of a true SHSL Hope smiling like this at him. He wonders what anyone would say, really. "They've been very patient."

* * *

He takes a shower, mortified over the fact that he can't stand on his own two feet without help, and then requests for someone to cut his hair. He doesn't ask please, but he knows both Naegi and his colleague can hear it in his voice. A short, bespectacled young woman appears in the bathroom shortly after, accompanied by Togami, and Hinata needs to tell himself he wasn't the one who died.

"I'm Fukawa Touko," she says, curtly, by means of introduction, and Hinata catches onto the way her mouth catches the first vowels, like she's trying not to stutter. "You don't know me," she adds then, in a quieter voice, looking aside, "but I'll be the one cutting your hair."

Togami says nothing, but he's glaring at the scissors in Fukawa's hands. Hinata wonders if he should be apprehensive, but then opts by saying nothing. Fukawa Touko is not a serial killer but Hinata remembers knowing things he shouldn't and he knows all about the sicknesses she houses inside her. A second passes, and then he nods at her: "It's a pleasure to meet you. Thank you for cutting my hair."

Fukawa bites her lip, almost as if ready to murder him through verbal battery, but then she relaxes, a little tremblingly, and nods. Togami looks away, the tension on his shoulders dissipating minutely.

In the end, Fukawa turns out to be excellent with scissors, even though she's not supposed to. Hinata wonders why someone like her is willingly offering him a haircut, remembering half-erased files with aichmophobia, sicosnipophobia, and hematophobia written on them, in crisp, black letters, and then forces himself not to.

* * *

The building they are currently inside of is underground, Naegi tells him, while Hinata attempts to eat two years' worth of meals. There seems to be no shortage of food in the Future Foundation's quarters, and the table is almost covered with everything from chicken soup to roast duck. He thinks he spots some lobster at the corner, but he doesn't care for sea food, so he leaves it be, gnawing on meat and on the doubt that haunts him: how do you have the resources for food this good?

"At the moment, only some of us are allowed to go outside, you see. It's been a year since then—" Hinata doesn't need to know what Naegi is referring to, he knows it all too well, and the guilt swallows him as easily as he does a piece of lettuce, "—but it's still very turbulent out. Enoshima wasn't called SHSL Despair for nothing." He chuckles a little, but it's hollow. Hinata pretends not to notice. "Eventually, you'll be informed of all of the Foundation's efforts, but for now it's best if you take some time off."

Hinata can't eat another bite, but he hungers for action, hungers for rebuilding the world he's reduced to ashes.

"I want to help," is what he wants to say, but his wrists ache just from using cutlery, and he's still tired from walking to the cafeteria, so he chickens out. Naegi's eyes are on him, however, expectant and glittering. For the fiftieth time today, Hinata needs to remind himself that Naegi and the other three are his juniors. They look older, experienced, and that's because they are – they've had years of their lives erased, just like Hinata has, but they're unwilling to let that stop them.

He looks away.

"I'll try to help out in any way I can," he eventually decides, looking back at his junior, and if it isn't the right answer then it's close, because Naegi awards him with another quiet smile.

"Well then, if you're done with your meal, would you like to see Sonia-san and Kuzuryuu-kun?"

He almost trips over himself to nod, even though he's sitting down, and then he  _does_  trip, bringing his hand to his mouth.

"I think I'm gonna be sick," he manages, through grit teeth. The room is spinning.

Naegi looks at a loss. His lavender-haired friend is nowhere in sight. Hinata breathes out. Sonia's cheerful voice echoes in his ears, ringing like an expensive telephone:  _ah, Hinata-san, how nice of you to join us! Now then, how will you sabotage us next? Will you smuggle one of those knives into your sleeve and slice my throat? Or, ah! Will you prefer to choke me to death?_ She claps her hands, eyes shining.  _So many ways to kill a person, isn't it fascinating?_ He breathes in.  _Don't talk to him,_ Kuzuryuu says, hiking his chin in distasteful disgust,  _he might find a way to convince you to kill yourself. You never know, with these fuckers. I bet he's just gonna keep trying until he gets us all killed._  He breathes out.

"Perhaps," Naegi says, in a slow, calming voice, "it would be best if Hinata-kun were to rest some more before you meet them."

Hinata only thinks he'd been wrong to assume Naegi doesn't know how to deal with ugliness.

* * *

It's the young woman from before who walks him back to his room. Hinata needs to rest once on the way there, leaning heavily against the wall and feeling embarrassed over it. Her eyes remain serene, devoid of snide remarks or amusement.

"Ah, er, excuse me," he says, when he gathers enough guts, "but is your name perhaps Chiaki?"

He gets a surprised reaction out of her, instead of the cool nod he'd been expecting. She composes herself immediately after, but doesn't move the curiosity away from her eyes.

"My name is Kirigiri Kyouko." Hinata opens his mouth to speak, but Kirigiri is faster, cleaner: "Yes, like the late headmaster."

The remaining silence is awkward for him, even though Kirigiri seems unaffected. When they bid their goodbyes, after Kirigiri tells him she will have to lock the door (and subtly hints that it's more for his safety than vice-versa), he wonders where he's heard the name Chiaki before, but then decides sleeping is more important, even if it is all he's been doing for the last year and a half.

He dreams of pallid pinks and whites.

* * *

In the morning, there is no nasal greeting to wake him up. He glances around groggily, searching for the window and wondering why Monobear didn't wake them up, and then, oh, right. His chest feels light as he realizes he won't have to face murder anymore, and he feels strangely nostalgic as he thinks of the girlish hues of his dreams. The weightlessness of his interior is strange. Like he's forgotten what it feels like, to be happy. Or, at the very least, in peace.

"Mmm? Is Hinata-kun feeling great about himself today? Why, isn't that absolutely wonderful! Perhaps he'd like to go over some plans with me, then. Say, what do you think is the best way to murder someone and never be found? See, I have some theories of my own, but they are certainly nothing when compared to yours, and I'd like to learn!"

He throws back the covers and searches for the light switch, feeling his heart beating hard inside his ribcage. Will it hold it in?

"Ah, Hinata-kun, please don't leave me hanging like this! ... No, wait; that's actually a tremendous idea! We can use your bed sheets. I'm somewhat skilled at knots, even though I'm sure Hinata-kun would be much better if he simply tried—"

Hinata flips the light on and finds himself alone.

* * *

Kirigiri comes for him shortly after he turns on the lights. She makes no remark about any possible visitors to his room. He doesn't know whether to be thankful or suspicious.

"We'll go over your room assignment right now, if you don't mind." He doesn't think she'd care if he did mind. "We're moving you into a proper room, so you can have access to a private bathroom and furniture." She hands him a key (he wonders if he would be able to carry an electronic card again), and then asks him to follow her into an elevator. Hinata is almost sure it hadn't been here yesterday. "We've taken the liberty of picking out your clothes for the following month, although you're free to ask us for something specific if you'd like."

Yeah, he thinks dryly, thanks for the choice.

"Naegi-kun, Togami-kun, and myself are usually away, so if you need something, you will have to contact either Fukawa-san or Asahina-san." She looks up, as if thinking. "I suppose you can also talk to Hagakure-san, although I doubt you'll be able to get anything out of him."

"Am I supposed to know who those last two are?" he asks, frowning, inadvertently reverting to his sarcastic self. The island self. Kirigiri gives him a look. She's shorter than him but it feels like she's looking down. He backtracks. "Ah, uh—"

"You'll come to know them in time. For now, you should just try and get yourself acquainted with the building. I'm sure you'll be able to remember the layout. If not, you can always consult the map on the back of your bedroom's door."

He frowns again: "What do you mean?"

She gives him another look at the same time the elevator doors slide open, giving him a clear view of Hope's Peak entrance hall.

* * *

The first few days, he doesn't leave his room. True to her word, Kirigiri stops contacting him. Hinata is sure that if he were to turn on the computer that is resting on his desk, a thing that looks as new as it looks modern, then he would learn about Naegi's whereabouts, but every time he sits, fingers aiming for the power button, he simply can't.

He leaves his room at night, letting his body auto-pilot him into the sleeping cafeteria, and eats by himself. The school is empty during the night, just like it used to be, before, but he's afraid to make sure it's as empty during the day. Sometimes, on the way to his room, he stops and peeks into a random classroom, waiting to be bombarded with visual images of his classmates slaughtering each other. But there's nothing. The classrooms have been cleaned, painted fresh, and the windows are no longer boarded up. He finds it weird until he realizes this building isn't the original school.

It's funny how he finds out – he enters the common toilets to wash his hands of crumbs and notices the stall doors are pristine. He runs his fingers across the surface and finds no trace of the myriad of scribbles that used to crowd the wooden surface. It figures, he thinks, feeling stupid: the survivors wouldn't want to return to the place where they saw all their friends die.

He leans against the lavatories, looking out the window. Outside the school's gates, there's only a flat field of green, stretching into the horizon, and all Hinata can think about is: where the fuck am I? Secretly, he is afraid that this isn't reality yet. Secretly, he's more afraid it actually is.

* * *

On his fifth day of hiding, someone knocks on his door. It's the first sign of life he receives, and he's terrified by it.

Hinata swallows, attempting to listen—and then jerks his head away from the door when Kuzuryuu begins shouting: "Are you gonna fuckin' avoid us forever, you shit coward!?"

"Kuzuryuu-san! You'll scare him away!" says Sonia. He can practically see her setting her hands on her hips.

The bottom of his stomach freezes over as he grabs at the doorknob.

"W-Well, it ain't like he's got somewhere else to go to!"

"We should be diplomatic about this! You may be perfectly acclimated already, but Hinata-san's only been up for a few days!"

His hand is on the knob, but it's still and cold and clammy. He feels like a corpse. Distantly, he registers the two of them bickering, outside, but he can't focus. He thinks about the impostor, thinks about Hanamura and Mahiru and Pekoyama and— _Hinata-kun,_ someone says softly _, please don't forget to breathe. All that talk about friendship and hope, and now you refuse to face the ones who were with you until the end ...? Can't you remember what I told you?_

"We'll always be friends," he replies, absent-minded. "Of course I do. How could I ever forget?"

_That's right. So ... What are you waiting for ...?_

He breathes in, twisting the knob.

There's a beat. 

The first thing he notices is that Kuzuryuu is taller. The time spent asleep has caught up to him. Hinata finds comfort in the fact that his cheeks are still smooth and slightly pink, that his right eye is unscarred. He's still not as tall as Sonia, but he's no longer a shorty. Then, Sonia – her cheekbones are sharper, her eyes less round, and Hinata notices she's thinner, too. They're all thinner, bony wrists swimming out of too-wide sleeves, but Hinata's never really cared about the way he looks, anyway.

"About fuckin' time," Kuzuryuu says, sliding his hands inside his pockets. He's wearing a suit. Sonia's wearing a dress, too, dark-red and expensive-looking, and for a moment it's like they've never really left the island at all, like they're still the same people Hinata met. Then it strikes him that they are. The thought seems as foreign as Sonia is.

"It's a pleasure seeing you again, Hinata-san!" she says, extending a hand.

Hinata takes it.

_See? I told you it would be fine. You're not the person you once were._

"Thanks," he says, both to the voice inside his head and to the two of them.

* * *

Kuzuryuu was the one who woke up first. He tells Hinata about how he spent about a month just walking around reading up on the world's current state of affairs until he got bored. I'm not really someone who likes to read, he says, shrugging. He says the school is almost always empty, but that's because everyone who works for the Foundation is located somewhere else. Sometimes, though, there are groups of people wearing labcoats who come and go, like ghosts, in and out of the elevator. Kuzuryuu hasn't figured out what they do yet, and Sonia has never seen them.

"I think they don't really trust us enough to put us near other people," he says, finally, sighing so heavily that Hinata almost feels the weight of his resentment. Kuzuryuu looks out the windows of the cafeteria. "I've come to the conclusion that we're basically prisoners, y'know."

"I'd rather be a prisoner here than outside," Hinata remarks, but as soon as he says it he realizes he's not actually so sure.

"I think that, for now, we should be thankful of Naegi-san's efforts! After all, we're being given a second chance." Sonia frowns, determined. "It's only natural that everyone is suspicious of us, but it's up to us to clear those doubts and work alongside Naegi-san!"

Kuzuryuu rolls his eyes. Hinata wonders: when did you become so comfortable with Sonia, and then remembers the two of them have been awake for months now. He feels like an outsider, suddenly, and he feels guilty for it too, because it's not their fault, but back at the island they didn't talk that much, you know, so he can't help but to—

"Hey, Hinata, you okay?"

He darts awake. "Huh? Uh, yeah. I'm just ... I'm still kinda out of it."

Sonia gives him a strained smile: "Don't worry, Hinata-san. We're out of sorts, too."

"You don't look like it."

She looks a little taken aback, and he feels guilty, but Kuzuryuu glares at him, interrupting them.

"Don't be such a dick. Remember we've been up for longer than you have." How could he ever forget? "Of course we're gonna look healthier than you. Doesn't mean we are, though. First day I woke up, I thought I was in jail. Thought it was something related to Monobear." He scratches at his head, looking down. "When they came to greet me, I tried throttling Naegi." His cheeks flush. "It's funny now, but lemme tell you that Kirigiri was ready to shoot me the moment I jumped."

"Ah, it was the same with me!" Sonia assures. "If it hadn't been for Kuzuryuu-san being there when they went to pick me up, I honestly can't tell what I would have done."

"So, neither one of you remembered anything?"

Sonia bites the inside of her cheek, thoughtful. "Well, not exactly. It's still coming back to us, you see. Me, well, I remember things like the library and the layout of my cabin room, along with the," a pause, a softer tone, "murders, but it feels like I wasn't really there. It's a peculiar feeling!"

"Same with me. Why? Do you remember everything?"

He pauses. "I ... think so. I'm not sure. I  _feel_ like I do, but I also know that I'm forgetting the most important thing." He frowns, bringing his hands to his mouth. "It's like something's missing. And I don' know what it is, I just know I can't remember it. Kinda pisses me off."

"I'd be pissed too," Kuzuryuu says, amused.

"You have no hint at all of what that something might be?" Sonia asks, leaning forward, eyes bright. She's always been fond of mysteries. Hinata wonders if she's scoured the school for clues, or if she's been too afraid to, like he has. Probably not. She's fearless, determined, a true leader. She must have patrolled the building more than once now. "Not even a tiny little clue?"

His brain takes him back a few days ago: "Ah, I think I might—does the name Chiaki ring a bell?"

Sonia and Kuzuryuu's expressions instantly freeze into pity and sympathy, like someone's paused them in order to save an image file. Sonia looks heartbroken, at a loss for words, and Hinata can't remember the last time he saw her looking like this. Then it clicks, as he remembers Tanaka's execution, its aftermath. He doesn't bring it up.

"What is it?" he prompts, when neither one of them look particularly disposed to talk.

"Hinata, you can't remember Nanami?" Kuzuryuu says, voice just a decibel above a whisper.

"If I did, would I be asking?" he retorts, dry.

The other two trade a look heavy with doubt, confusion, and heartbreaking realization.

"Ah, um, Hinata-san," Sonia begins, placing her hands on her lap as she looks down, "Nanami-san was, how do I put it ... Ah. You remember Monomi?" Ugh, how could he forget? She analyzes his expression and then continues, carefully weaving the rest of her argument. "Nanami-san was someone who, like Monomi, was there to help us find ourselves."

"So, a program? That's weird," he says, "I can't remember any other mascot character."

"Not a mascot," Kuzuryuu corrects. He doesn't meet Hinata's eyes and if they were back on the island Hinata would've been suspicious of him. He still is, but out here, in the real life, he'd really rather not express his sentiments. "She was, like, one of us. She just ... ? Fuck, I don't know how to put this." He massages the bridge of his nose, eyes closed. "She died. At the, uh, at the last day. She and Monomi were executed for killing Komaeda."

"You're wrong," Hinata says quickly, almost cutting him off. "Komaeda killed himself."

There's a short pause.

"Hinata, you don't remember the last trial?"

"Of course I do: we chose Komaeda as the suspect. No one was executed." He frowns, increasingly agitated and unaware of why, exactly. "Monomi sacrificed herself for us so we could meet Enoshima—"

"Hinata-san, you've got that wrong," Sonia cuts in gently. If her voice were an animal, it would be a regal dove. Hinata feels kind of stupid for thinking so. "Nanami-san fell into Komaeda-san's trap. She didn't mean to, but she killed him—"

"No," he counter-claims, "no, that didn't happen. I can't remember anyone called Nanami. There was only our class and the two mascots. Komaeda killed himself and then Monomi took down Monobear and we took down Enoshima with Naegi's help. That's all there is to it. And now we're here."

Kuzuryuu and Sonia exchange another look.

"I think," Sonia says calmly, glancing back at him once more with an worried expression, "that it would be best if you were to ask for a check-up when Fukawa-san returns to pick us up. You've created false memories, Hinata-san." She pauses, giving him an opening in case he'd like to speak, but he doesn't, he can't, so she proceeds. "I'm not a doctor, but ... Your failure to remember some of the most important parts of what we have gone through might be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder."

He blinks at her.

"I'm siding with Princess on this," Kuzuryuu says tightly.

"What, why," Hinata replies, defensively, but it's not even a question, it's more like a complaint. One last attempt at denial.

"'Cause out of all of us, you'd be the last person I'd expect to forget about Nanami," he answers.


	2. buoy

They work out a schedule without really talking about it. In the mornings, they keep to themselves. Sonia holes herself up in the library, reading up on history or mystery novels or cooking books (she's  _terrible_  at cooking), while Hinata and Kuzuryuu use the gym. Kuzuryuu practices the kind of sports that involve beating the shit out of someone, while Hinata jogs and lifts dumbbells and tries to win back his body mass, his vitality. He doesn't think about how he knows when Kuzuryuu makes a wrong stance, but he does, like someone's dully whispered into his ear that his left foot should be closer to the other one, or that it's elbow-elbow-punch instead of elbow-knee-punch. Instead, he grits his teeth and lifts heavier weights, perfectly aware that he'll be sore in the morning.

The afternoons, though, they spend together, starting with a lunch and ending with a dinner. Some days, they discuss the world outside, and Sonia tells them all about the books being written in the middle of a war and there's this hardcore blogger who keeps updating their webpage while they take cover behind fallen walls or destroyed cars, how amazing, what she'd give to be out there, too, seeing the world with her own eyes instead of being jailed away inside a duplicate school. Those days, Hinata and Kuzuryuu keep quiet, listening to her talk about the hell outside, offering one or two opinions and thinking hard about their future (or lack of thereof).

Other days, they spend them arguing over whether Future Foundation can or not be trusted, because, well, sure, they've helped them out and they're alive after all, but what if this is just another shitty virtual world and—in those days, Kuzuryuu usually cuts into Hinata's paranoia with a 'don't be stupid' (or a 'shut the fuck up', if he's in a sour mood). Hinata proceeds to feel guilty over doubting Naegi, but he still can't shake the fear, can't truly believe he's really alright, can't believe that there's not a drawback.

They never discuss the name Chiaki because Hinata doesn't bring it up—or if Hinata's asked Fukawa for a check-up already, or what if no one else wakes up, or what if hope doesn't manage to flourish after all—even though Hinata knows they want to. He wants to, as well, kind of,  _maybe,_  but he's just not ready to. Not yet. Maybe they aren't, either.

* * *

One early morning, after breakfast, Hinata's sore muscles decide he'd rather read something, so he obliges and heads into the library. It hasn't changed much, even though he knows the island's was fake. The books are still categorized the same way, and the light filters through the two-floored windows just like before. The only difference is the landscape—where water used to be, there is only grass. It messes with his head more than it should.

Sonia isn't there, he realizes belatedly, when his wristwatch ticks into the ten, and he is washed over with fear, already half-expecting to hear Monobear's sickeningly cheerful voice: a body has been found! He inhales, then closes his book and walks out of the library, aimlessly looking for her. A stroke of genius hits him after he's searched the first floor, and Hinata takes the elevator into the downstairs building, where Fukawa usually is.

He doesn't bother knocking before he enters. She looks surprised to see him there, but immediately narrows her eyes and brings her hands to her chest. Protectively. Without Togami there to mediate, he feels a little nervous, but he swallows his anxiety and asks her straight out: "Sorry to bother you, but have you seen Sonia? I can't find her anywhere."

Fukawa takes a second before slowly tapping a few keys on her laptop's keyboard.

"... Ah," she says, more to herself than to him, and then adds nothing.

After half a minute of fidgeting, he presses on: "Uh, well?"

"She's busy," is all Fukawa says.

His blood drums in his head, rushing into his ears, his stomach.

"What are you doing with her?" he asks, taking a furious step forward. The young woman squeaks, eyes wide, her hands climbing to her braids. "You're hurting her, aren't you—"

"Cease your whining, you'll give us all a headache," Togami effortlessly says from behind him, walking by him like he's just a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Hinata thinks the other Togami was nicer, at least, impostor or not. "She's visiting one of your comatose friends."

He leans against the desk, staring at Hinata. Fukawa is still in defense mode, although he notices she looks far more relaxed.

"I understand you might want to take your frustrations out on someone like Fukawa, but I'd rather you didn't. She's the only one of us who doesn't go on the field, and we," he sighs, like he can't really believe what he's saying, "need her here." He crosses his arms. "Now, if you're done shouting, I'll direct you to where the rest of your class is." Togami gives him a long look that obviously translates into superiority. Disgust. Hinata can't believe someone younger than him is this disrespectful. "... I'm surprised you didn't ask about them before, frankly," he adds, looking down at him.

Hinata feels very tiny, all of a sudden; stripped of his rage, stripped of his spirit. Very ... talentless. He still refuses to let it show as he walks out, searching for the nurse's office. His pride hasn't left, even though his confidence has packed its bags a long time ago.

* * *

He realizes two things by the time he walks into the nurse's room. The first is the fact that he seems to have been the only one who had a private room. It hits hard, the shame and the guilt and the feeling that he deserves it. Because he does, after all. He was the one who orchestrated all those murders. There's blood on his hands, the blood of his colleagues, of his friends – Hinata swallows and thinks of anything else,  _anything else_.

The second thing he notices is Sonia's quiet presence, like a nightlight. She has her back to him, sitting on a chair; there is a book on her lap, and if Hinata tried to he would be able to understand what she's saying, but he doesn't. An invasion of privacy would be too terrible, too betraying – and he already feels like a traitor, anyway.

She's reading to Tanaka with a smooth, quiet voice, like she's reading to a sleepy child. Hinata looks away, from one bed to another, from Tanaka to Souda to Owari—everyone is here, even the impostor, who doesn't look one bit like the Other Togami. With a dull, hollow feeling, like the edge of a blunt weapon, he notices Komaeda, in the farthest bed. He is skinnier, paler, and he looks terrible. Like he's three-quarters into death.

Hinata doesn't even notice leaving, but when he blinks he finds himself pressing a shaking finger on the elevator's buttons like he can't get away fast enough. He heads into his room and only leaves the day afterward – neither Kuzuryuu or Sonia come knocking for him, and he's both thankful and sorry about leaving them alone, but every time he tries to turn the knob he ends up feeling the bile claw its way up into his mouth.

* * *

"I can't visit them," Hinata says, out of the blue. They're having lunch; Sonia and Kuzuryuu look up from their mashed potatoes and roast pork to stare at him. "Um," he adds, a little awkwardly, "the rest of us. I walk up to the door and I see them and—" he leaves the words fluctuating.

Kuzuryuu and Sonia trade a glance. Then, like they've discussed the next step through their eyes, they nod.

"Hinata-san, I'm sorry if it seems like we are invading your privacy or your peace of mind, but—" she takes a determined breath before moving on: "both of us still think that it would be for the best if you were to talk to someone."

"As in, soon."

He doesn't say anything. He feels cast away, a little betrayed - how many times have the two of them discussed his state of mind? He knows that if he were in their shoes, he'd talk, too, and hasn't this happened before, anyway? But of course it has, Hinata-kun, says Komaeda, eyes swirling wildly, can't you remember those hours dedicated to destroying me? _I didn't. I would never—_  Hinata-kun, he cuts in gently, are you becoming the same as me? Because if you are, then ... I truly wish for the best, of course, since you have superlative talent sewn into your brain, but if you don't wish to cooperate, then you leave me no choice but to corner you and see what you will do next, Hinata-kun! I wonder if you'd like that.

_No. I wouldn't._

"We're worried, you shit," Kuzuryuu adds, then, breaking the pause.

"I—" he sighs. "I know. It's just."

"I hope it doesn't seem like we are pressuring you, Hinata-san," Sonia says, when he doesn't continue. Her eyes are wide. "If you'd like us to, we shan't speak of this again."

"No, no, that's not it," he says, in a hurry. He averts his eyes to the table, unable to look at the almost-latent trust in Kuzuryuu's and Sonia's. It's overbearing and comforting at once. He doesn't know how to deal. "I just. It's hard. Not to remember, I mean. Because I think I remember all of it," even though he'd rather not, maybe, "but I don't. And I ..."

A pause. His half-empty plate offers no response.

"I keep thinking that maybe I'll go back to ..."

He brings his eyes to them, closing his fists. Kuzuryuu smiles, a little bitter.

"I get what you mean, you know," he says, poking at his meat distractedly. "It's not like we're not afraid of returning to despair. Sometimes I, uh, I kinda dream? About all those people? And it fucks me up." He harrumphs. "But I guess that's normal."

Sonia says nothing, eyes downcast.

"But," Hinata says, _I still hear him. I know when you mess up at kickboxing. I know things about Naegi and Fukawa and Togami that I don't remember learning. I know how to program things even though I've never done it before. And did you know the laptops we were given could be unlocked? Did you know that I still remember how to reprogram Enoshima's disease?_  He tightens his hands harder.

Just because you know things doesn't mean you should do them, Hinata-kun, someone tells him. He can almost envision puffed cheeks, frowning pink, but it's gone the moment he tries to set it together.  _But what if I do—?_  But you won't. You wouldn't endanger any of your friends like that. I trust you.

Sonia and Kuzuryuu are looking at them expectantly when he halts his mental conversation.

"I," he begins, and doesn't stop, this time.

* * *

Naegi and the others return the following week, looking bleary-eyed but rather alright. The three of them are hanging out in the cafeteria when Kirigiri enters, with a large folder underneath her arm. Naegi follows immediately afterwards, smiling.

"Good afternoon! It's been a while," he greets, with a wave. Kirigiri nods at them, before murmuring something to Naegi and walking towards the elevator (or so Hinata assumes). She looks over her shoulder, penetrating Hinata's gaze, and then closes the door behind her.

"Good afternoon, Naegi-san!" Sonia immediately greets back, with a wide smile. "How are things outside?"

"Getting better, little by little." He sits down next to Hinata, saying 'excuse me' before he does so. "We've finally been able to contact a group of survivors outside of Hamamatsu, and if all goes well, they'll be relocated to our headquarters in Aichi. I can't help but to be a bit concerned about the trip, though."

"Why?" Kuzuryuu asks. "'Cause of the roads?"

"Ah, yes, that too. But mainly because the biggest cities are still danger zones, which means we'll have to find a way to go around them."

"Rabbit-san is currently taking shelter in Kasumori," Sonia offers. "If you'd like, I could ask them about the situation around Nagoya."

Naegi grins. "If that's okay with you, please do. We have an underground safe haven in Nagoya, but we don't tend to use it because it's risky."

Hinata leans towards Kuzuryuu while the two of them continue discussing locations: "Who's Rabbit-san?"

"Sonia's favorite blogger. Not much is known about them, not even if they're a man or a woman, but they keep in touch with Sonia because they know who she is. They're probably the only person in the world who know we're actually alive."

Hinata frowns, and Kuzuryuu snaps his fingers like he's remembered something.

"Right, we forgot you wouldn't remember. Sorry 'bout that." He leans back, staring at the well-lit ceiling. "When we got captured by Future Foundation, Enoshima's death had been televised all over the world. Since, uh, she was the leader—I don't know if there's such a thing as an anarchy leader, but whatever—most people assumed we'd take over for her. You know, in ..." He frowns, looking a little upset. "Anyway, since we were asleep, the despair troops assumed we'd been killed too. All they have left to keep are things like her clothes or ..." He trails off, distracted. "Kirigiri told me my house has been taken over by them, too. Something about preserving the despair inside." He chuckles, low and bitter. "That's fucking crazy."

Hinata can't help but to think so, too. He remembers being told about sacrificial lambs, their parents, their families—he breathes in, feeling sick. Have their parents even been buried? He looks away, feeling prickly.

"Do you know what happened to the original school?"

"Ah, I could answer that," Naegi cuts in. Then, as if he's noticed he'd been hearing on their conversation, he offers an awkward smile as an apology. "The original Hope's Peak has been torn apart. Kirigiri-san thought it would be best, just in case people tried to go inside and do what Enoshima did." He looks sad for a single second, but then returns to cheerful. He seems to be quite good at hiding his disappointment, Hinata thinks—or any negative emotions in general. It bothers him, just a little, because Naegi gives off a feeling transparency, but continuously fogs over the glass with smiles and politeness. Kirigiri and Togami, at least, are obvious in their coldness. "Togami-kun help us build this one, after Future Foundation contacted us. We thought it would be best if we had a place to live if it turned out the Foundation was nothing but another trap."

"But, as it turned out," Sonia follows, "it wasn't! So this building is mostly used as an archive."

"That's right, Sonia-san." Naegi turns to him again. "That's why it's always empty. The Foundation's workers are stationed across Japan." He doesn't say it, but Hinata hears it anyway: if they find one of the Foundation's buildings, not much is lost. It makes sense, but it still gnaws at him. He blinks, forcing blankness, and Naegi's gaze looks right through him anyway, but he doesn't comment. "However, this might be the most important building."

Sonia and Kuzuryuu glance at him—is this the first time they hear this, too? For the first time in quite a while, Hinata doesn't feel completely lost. Naegi flushes slightly at the attention, but continues.

"The truth is, we're currently located in Jabberwock Island."

Hinata's stomach lurches. Naegi must notice the look on their faces, because he fidgets awkwardly.

"It's probably the safest spot in the world as of now," he proceeds. "The artificial island you were in was modeled after it, although with some slight modifications—such as the amusement park, for example, which is an empty lot for now. The ruins you found in the island are actually this very building." He pauses, then, looking a little confused. "I thought you'd have explored the island by now," he murmurs, and then adds: "Although there's not much to look at right now. Just metal containers and underground facilities."

"We didn't know we could," Kuzuryuu says grouchily. "There's a control panel controlling the entry door."

Hinata belatedly realizes he hasn't entered the entry hall yet. He doesn't quite know how that makes him feel. Weak, maybe?

Naegi flushes red again. "The code is the same, of course. I, um. I apologize for not being forward about it."

It's Kuzuryuu's turn to look awkward: "Uh, n-no, I'm sorry."

Distantly, Hinata recognizes the conversation goes on, but he's stuck staring at the table, feeling—what? He doesn't know.

It's too bad there aren't any recognizable locations, Komaeda says. Just think of all the wondrous feelings you would be able to latch onto were you to take a stroll through all of those crime scenes! He leans in, then, eyes narrowed and full; would you let the despair take over you once more or would you overcome it, Hinata-kun?

 _Shut the fuck up,_  he thinks, and it's only when the rest of the tale turns to look at him, eyes wide, that he realizes he's spoken out loud. The back of his neck feels as hot as the rage he tries to direct to the memory of who Komaeda used to be. Used to be? Maybe still is.

"I'm—sorry," he croaks, "I didn't mean. To. That wasn't—"

And Naegi just smiles, like he knows and forgives, but Hinata can't shake the feeling this is going to bite him in the ass later.

* * *

When the trio return from the outside, they usually stick around for a week or two, according to Sonia and Kuzuryuu, who have been witnesses to it a few times already. Kirigiri and Togami hardly ever socialize, but Naegi always finds the time to drop in once or twice. The other two, Hagakure and Asahina, have never been spotted.

Which means that the fact Kirigiri and Togami corner him on his way out of the gym isn't exactly good news. Hinata unconsciously straightens; he isn't used to being looked down by anyone who isn't Nidai or Komaeda, and Togami is taller. Even though he knows he could probably disarm one of them if he wanted to, he doesn't, and he won't, but he is unable to dismiss that Kirigiri has two guns on her. Togami doesn't—he thinks it's fitting of someone so arrogant.

"You are disposable and it would do you good to remember that," the heir begins, crossing his arms. Kirigiri's eyes flicker, like she's about to roll them, but then they stay put.

"Hinata-kun," she proceeds, ignoring him, "it has come to our attention that you aren't as mentally sound as the rest of your colleagues."

He knows that. He knows it, and he's trying, but it still hurts to hear it. He presses his lips together.

"This isn't punishment, or anything like that," she continues, and Togami scoffs, "but we'd like for you to consider the situation we are in. Regarding your past actions, that is." He swallows, mouth thick. "Our main objective for now is to make sure you and the rest of your class regain your bearings, as it should be, but if your behavior puts us in risk, we won't hesitate to contain you once more."

"If it were my decision, you wouldn't have been released in the first place," Togami says, with a dismissive movement of his chin. Hinata thinks about pinching the nerve of his neck—the subclavian artery, someone tells him, in a droll voice—and then swallows.

"But it wasn't," Kirigiri returns, turning her face to Togami just slightly. She looks at Hinata once more, after: "We're counting on you to tell us if something is wrong." She takes a step back, spinning on the ball of her foot as she leaves, and then adds, without looking back: "Don't disappoint us."

Togami glares at him for a few seconds more, and then follows her, with a final click of his tongue.

Hinata waits for them to leave before leaning against the wall, feeling dizzy.

Later that night, between bursts of fitful sleep, he thinks of something.

* * *

"If I were to—" no, that's not it. He looks at his hands, tries again. They're fuller, now, even though it's only been a month and a half. The lines are softer, his knuckles fatter, less prominent. "If I revert to—to despair, what would happen?"

Fukawa looks up at him, eyes wide and scared, hands hovering above her keyboard.

"W-Why," she asks immediately, "are you going back to Kamukura? Did you come here to kill me—"

"Whoa! No, no, wait!" He lifts his hands in a swift, assuaging gesture. "I was just curious!"

She glances at the first desk drawer, on her left, and then swallows, murmuring things that remind him of Saionji. He takes a step back, suddenly losing his nerve.  _This was a bad idea. I shouldn't have—_  he inhales, slowly, and then continues on his quest, even though he'd much rather load a save and ... ? A save?

"Byakuya-sama was right," Fukawa begins, eyes to the side, mouth equally as narrow, "we shouldn't have—" and then she shuts up abruptly, closing her eyes like she's trying to pretend he isn't there.

There is a pause. Hinata takes a step back, feeling awkward and stupid to have asked something so important to someone who clearly doesn't want to talk to anyone who isn't one of the Hope's Peak survivors.

"I'm sorry, it's just," _I didn't know where to find Naegi_. He doesn't say it; Fukawa's persecution complex would be obvious even if he hadn't known of it before. He doesn't want to add to it.

She opens her eyes again, leaning her closed fists against the edge of the desk, and then exhales tremblingly.

"In case of a reversion," she begins, sounding like she's reading, quick and clean, despite her nervous tone, "the subject should return to a medically-induced coma until a new solution is found." Then, she sighs, completely deflating. Hinata needs to hike his chin to see the top of her head, hiding behind the computer screen.

"So, I wouldn't be inserted into the virtual island?" he does his best not to sound disappointed, and is surprised at the casualness of his voice. Has it always been so easy to lie? He's always thought of himself as obvious, but. But.

Fukawa, however, seems to have reached her boiling point, and glares at him, shoulders shrunk: "I don't know! Just leave me alone!" she hisses, tiny hands grasping at her braids, knuckles white.

"S-Sorry," he mutters, taking reticent steps back until his back hits the door. Fukawa doesn't seem to notice he's in there anymore, her hands around her head, her eyes closed. He hurriedly finds the knob and leaves, feeling slightly out of breath.

In the hallway, the air is cooler, and he breathes in and out. His hands are shaking.

* * *

Togami comes to him later that evening, knocking at his door. Even the sound of his knuckles against the wood sounds begrudging. He doesn't greet him, jumping straight into an accusation.

"I knew you weren't particularly clever, but to go for Fukawa of all people searching for information?" He scoffs. Hinata frowns, but lets it dissipate.

"I didn't know where to find someone else," he says, and it sounds grumpy despite his best efforts. Togami gives him an impatient look, crossing his arms. A second drives by, waving.

"Well?" the taller man says. "I don't have all day."

"Oh, I didn't think—" _I thought you were only here to complain_. He clears his throat. "Uh, I wanted to know what happens if I go back to being ..." Kamukura. _Say it_. His jaw locks at the  _k_ , stubbornly denying him. He frowns. Fukawa had no trouble saying it, which means it's not taboo, but.

"That would depend on the gravity of the situation," Togami says listlessly. "We aren't allowed to kill you, which is a pity, because it would be simpler, but you will put back into a coma."

Hinata feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Togami doesn't even sound affected as he speaks of executing him—executions, he's had enough of those, pretend or not, bloody and thrilling and despairing, and what would Komaeda think of someone telling him this, would he smile brightly and say  _how wonderful_  or would he smirk superiorly and tell Togami he wouldn't be able to, not until he could make them all blow up into gorgeous shards—

He clears his throat.

"Would I stay in a coma for, uh, forever?"

Togami very deliberately raises a mocking eyebrow, and then frowns at him, like he's angry that he's had to walk all the way to his room only to be asked the most stupid of questions, one after the other.

"You'd be put into a coma until we can reprogram the virtual island you so foolishly destroyed."

 _Ah,_  Hinata thinks.


	3. drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ughhhhh hey it's been a while!!! (sorry)

"The code was, uh."

"One-one-zero-three-seven," Sonia replies flawlessly, eyes wide and shiny. She must be dying to get outside, breathe in real air, see the real sky with no glass between. She's holding her hands, looking persistently at the heavy metal door. Hinata doesn't think he's seen her blink ever since they came inside the entry hall.

"Right," Kuzuryuu says warily. There are no machine guns, no traps, no anything, but Hinata shares the same feeling. It's too alike (of course it would be), too fresh, too. Too real. Not real enough. He controls his breathing.

It's the first time he's set foot in this room.

"I think I'm gonna be fucking sick," Kuzuryuu says, bending over, hands on knees, like he's ran the marathon. Hinata sympathizes.

Sonia looks at him, concerned. "Kuzuryuu-san! We don't have to do this if you don't want to! Well-being above all!"

"No, I just—it's cool. Just gimme a minute."

Hinata looks away from the two of them and towards the metallic hatchet. It's as imposing and dark as the one on the island, and that's why he's so frightened. Maybe. Despite Naegi's comforting assurance, he still hears Enoshima: dearest Hinata-senpai, don't you know this isn't reality yet? Oh, how I hunger for your first steps outside! I'm even shivering with anticipation! (And then, darker, slower, smoother:) Just don't forget to bring back Kamukura. I miss him dearly.

He closes his hands.

"Hinata-san?" Sonia looks at him with careful, soft eyes.

"Let's do it," he hears himself say. Kuzuryuu, at his side, nods tightly.

Sonia claps once, delighted, and turns to the control panel. They hear the electronic tones, and then, nothing.

"Oh, my," Sonia says, dejected, shoulders drooping, "did I—"

The metal door twists on its hinges, croaking loudly, the iron twisting as it opens, and Hinata can hardly hear its moans above his heart's thumping. Beside him, Kuzuryuu tenses, shoulders hiking in anxious reflex. Sonia is the only one whose body language is open, receiving, ecstatic. Hinata decides, then, that Sonia is the strongest person out of the three of them.

The sunlight outside isn't blinding, although it's strong—there is no need for an iconic lifting of the hand to cover his eyes—and the scent of seabreeze rolls in like a tidal wave.

There's a beat. Hinata waits for the if, waits for the walls to pixellate, to fall apart, for the ground beneath his feet to cave conically in a tornado of green data, but it never comes. He exhales. Kuzuryuu's shoulders relax. Sonia turns to them, grinning wildly, and offers them her hands.

Hinata takes one, Kuzuryuu takes the other, and they are smiling as they walk past the hatch. He thinks about Souda's tearful eyes, thinks about teasing him over how soft Sonia's palms are, and laughs.

* * *

Naegi had been honest: outside the school's well-maintained building (a striking contrast to the green, hidden ruins they'd been used to), there is not much to see. The island's layout is the same, though, and it's odd to walk around without seeing the cabins, the restaurant, the diner. There's a pier Hinata remembers seeing, in a far-off dream, a pier where Hinata bade the trio goodbye with a smile. He doesn't remember how that moment fits between Monomi's sacrifice and Enoshima's demise, but he doesn't think too much of it. He already knows his memories don't fit the way they should, like pieces from different puzzles. He wonders how many he's got stuck inside his head. Will he manage to solve them all?

They decide to split up, after a few hesitant moments of _what now_ ; Hinata commits the metal containers to memory, walks across where the Titty Typhoon had been, across the mart, across the rooms, and ends up at the beach.

It looks the same – no debris, no trash, just never-ending sea. He needs to sit down and tell himself he can leave whenever he wants when his chest begins to tighten, and then backtracks. _I guess I can only leave after I get better._ Still, it's a striking, warm sensation. There are no yellow cameras spread across, no strange gift-giving machines, and he lies down in the sand and closes his eyes.

"This is nice," he murmurs, without really knowing why.

"Hmm," someone agrees, at his side. Hinata doesn't tense. "Does it make you wonder why you didn't come outside earlier?"

He smiles. "Yeah."

"Hm. I suppose it would, but don't rush yourself. This isn't a speedrun, Hinata-kun."

 _What does that even mean_ , he thinks, but laughs anyway. Softly. His left hand grabs at the sand, twisting it in his palm until there's nothing there except a few stubborn, damp grains. He wipes it on the leg of his pants, wishing for something tangible, for warmth and skin instead of dilluted rock.

"I'm going to see you again," he whispers, voice breaking at the end.

"You can't." Short, soft, but steely. Puffed cheeks, impatient eyes, the softest dash of pink across cheeks, and he still can't make any sense of it. It hurts. "It's just the way it is."

He swallows, frowning until his eyelids tinge black instead of pink, until all he has to make sure the sun is still there is the warmth on his skin.

"No," he says. "I'll find a way—" If it kills him.

There is no reply. He sighs, softening his expression, and throws an arm across his eyes, fist closed.

* * *

They meet up at the doors. Kuzuryuu is already there when Hinata comes back, sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. He's absently rubbing at his right eye, but stops when he sees Hinata, looking awkward and not knowing where to put his hand. Hinata doesn't comment, just nods in greeting. His shoes are gritty with sand, his pants, too, and he thinks that perhaps Kuzuryuu visited some meaningful place, too. Was it the cliff where they saw Pekoyama die?

He sits down, too, feeling a little lost. He has so much he wants to say, to ask, but Kuzuryuu hasn't pressured him into telling him jack shit about Kamukura and Chiaki, so he just. Keeps quiet.

"It's really weirding me out," Kuzuryuu eventually says.

"Mm."

"There's nothing. No mart, no rooms—" no beach house, no spatters of blood across the wall and floor, no baseball bat lying against the surfboards. Kuzuryuu shields his eyes from the setting sun. "It's just frustrating."

Hinata doesn't reply this time, instead craning his neck and closing his eyes.

When Sonia returns, looking both giddy and tired—did she go to see the place where Tanaka got trampled on, did she make sure to check the ground for ancient runes and circles? Hinata hates himself for assuming it, hates himself for continuously attempting to see into his friends' heads—they walk inside, silent.

When the door closes behind them, Hinata feels a chill. Feels about to faint. He lets Kuzuryuu and Sonia walk on inside, and then makes sure he can open it again.

He can. It's obvious, he thinks, breathing hard, shaking hands still grasping the panel, but it's so frightening, the fact that he still thinks something can go wrong, that he can stay inside this school forever, that there's a secret room somewhere where Enoshima is waiting for him.

He stays until the hatchet closes once more.

* * *

Sonia convinces him to come to the hospital room. She's been odd, lately, less talkative, less excited about things like Rabbit-san's posts or how she managed to bake her first batch of unburnt chocolate muffins (they still tasted terrible). Hinata goes because he wants to see her in love with the beauty of life once more. With the hope Naegi and the others are trying so hard to breed.

At least, that's what he tells himself.

"I'm opening the door, if that's alright," Sonia says, looking at him with wide, careful eyes. His hands are shaking. "Hinata-kun."

"Yes!" he exclaims, and then cringes. "Yes. That's. Yes. Okay."

He thinks he'd like for Kuzuryuu to be here too, alongside him. In the long, pale corridor. Standing before a white door with a plastic plate bolted on it. _Room H01_ _._ Maybe he wouldn't feel so nervous. Maybe Kuzuryuu would be as nervous as he is; he doesn't think he's ever heard Kuzuryuu talk about the rest of their classmates, much less come visit them. He wonders if Sonia is the only one so far who's come into this room.

She nods at him, eyebrows turned determinedly, and turns the knob. Hinata breathes in, and when that's not enough, he closes his eyes and tries to focus. He misses them. He misses Owari's loud voice, misses Souda's stupid remarks. Misses slipping a nervous hand inside another, softer, tinier, paler. _I miss you_. I miss you too, Hinata-kun. But right now, maybe you should tell that to someone who can actually hear you. _Yeah. Yeah, you're right._

Sonia smiles at him before walking inside. Hinata follows, feeling like a castle of cards in a windy room. He wants to say something, anything, just to clear the air, but it would probably sound awkward if he did, so he keeps his mouth shut.

"Are you feeling fine, Hinata-kun?"

He looks away from Mahiru's sleeping face to nod at Sonia. They're wearing oxygen masks, chests rising and falling slowly; there are IV drips standing next to their beds. _Who changes these?_ He hasn't seen any staff since he woke up—just the three of them and his juniors.

"Very well. I'll be leaving, then, if you don't mind."

He watches her go, closing the door behind her, and then reaches the conclusion he hadn't expected to be left alone. It's a little too much, a little too stifling, too _arresting_. He's the reason why his friends are dead. He's the reason why they're in a coma. He's the reason why everything's gone to hell.

That's preposterous, Hinata-kun, Komaeda breathes, wide eyes boring into his own, a flush across his face. Hinata-kun, I believe in you! Certainly you aren't refusing the marvellous chance Sonia-san has presented you with? Why not take it, this silver platter, and do something with it? Who knows, someone as talented as you might be the key to unlocking our dear classmates from their slumber! Ahh, I can picture it now, Hinata-kun, our shining hope, releasing us from unconsciousness—

"Shut up," he says, taking a step back, away from Mahiru's bed. His hand catches at the end of it, trying to give him balance. The metal clatters slightly, and he takes in large, gasping breaths. _It's okay. My name's Hinata Hajime. I'm in room H01, visiting my classmates. My name is Hajime._

Hinata-kun, forgive me for not calling you by your first name, since you so clearly want to be called by it, but it would be too presumptuous of me to do so! You're my only friend, Hinata-kun, my very own best friend, but the difference in our abilities sets us apart and always will, so I shan't ever embarrass you, or myself, like that!

He takes another step back, hands over his ears. His blood is drumming as he stares very, very intently at the floor. He wonders if Sonia is outside. He wonders if anyone is outside. He wonders if he's been left alone with the empty, breathing bodies of his classmates.

That's when something clatters from his right, from one of the farther beds. He looks before he can even think about doing it, heart hammering inside his chest, and suddenly Saionji is screaming, hands blindly, quickly grabbing at her neck, wide eyes flickering from herself to Hinata to everything inside the room. Hinata stares at her, mouth wide, the back of his neck tingling; Saionji chokes, then, wheezing and gasping and crying, ripping the IV needle off her arm with shaking hands, climbing back against the very head of the bed, knees brought up to her chest. There's a pause, and Hinata doesn't know what to do, doesn't know how to act.

So he lifts up a reticent hand, and waves. Saionji glares at him like he's the most stupid man on the planet, even through her tears.

* * *

Saionji is taken away by a patient nurse; she can't walk by herself, but that doesn't stop her from complaining about the conditions of her bed, of her suddenly post-pubescent body, and _are you sure this nurse is competent enough because she_ sure _doesn't look like it_ _?_ The nurse just sighs and tells Saionji she shouldn't have ripped off her IV, how irresponsible, and Saionji's face shifts, darkens, like she's choking on a hairball.

Hinata watches it all like he's behind a screen, like he isn't really there. Naegi had told him, there's still hope, but he hadn't thought—he didn't think—

He looks up from his hands when someone taps his shoe with their own.

"Hey," Kuzuryuu says, hands in pockets.

"Hey."

"Naegi told me what happened. Pretty thrilling for a first visit, huh?"

Hinata chuckles through his nose, too exhausted to actively laugh. The sound falls short even to his own ears, and he just returns to staring at his hands.

"Sorry. That wasn't very—" He harrumphs, leaning against the wall. "So, any words on when Saionji's coming out?"

"Sonia's in there with her," Hinata replies, "so she should be fine."

"I, uh. When I heard someone had woken up, I thought – I hoped—" _it would've been Peko_ , Hinata completes, because Kuzuryuu doesn't. "That makes me a shitty person, doesn't it?"

Hinata thinks of Togami's blue eyes, narrowed behind lenses: you'd be put into a coma until we can reprogram the virtual island you so foolishly destroyed. Thinks of half-awake plans forming in his head as he blinks, in the darkness of the night. Thinks of a hand inside his own.

"No," he says eventually. "I'm pretty sure you're good."

Kuzuryuu looks at him with a curious expression, and then frowns, but he doesn't ask anything else.

Together, they wait.

* * *

Saionji is softer. They visit her at her room, where she's being accompanied, by the same kind-looking nurse. She looks thinner, and she's not the same Saionji he once knew; she's taller, curvier, and that makes it even more disturbing when she calls him big brother. She probably likes it even better. But she doesn't insult any of them, not even Kuzuryuu, who is taller and ganglier and still doesn't remember to duck when he goes into small places.

In fact, she doesn't talk much at all. Sonia attempts to cheer her up, to make her snide at anyone, to have her back to acidic self, but Saionji only replies in slow nods or not at all.

Back at the cafeteria, they discuss.

"She's not okay at all," Kuzuryuu grumbles, under his breath.

"Well, Saionji-san did, um, die," Sonia replies, looking at her hands. "Maybe she's still reeling in the shock. And—" she adds, suddenly determined, "it's not like we didn't have a recovery period!"

Hinata wonders if he's still going through his. Wonders if he'll ever stop.

"Yeah, yeah. Still, not one insult ..."

"I think it's kinda weird, too," Hinata says, looking at Kuzuryuu. "When she uh, when she woke up, she grabbed her neck. Like she wanted to stop blood from coming out. I think she came out of the coma thinking she was in the middle of being attacked by Tsumiki."

"Huh."

"That is a hella good point, Hinata-san! It would explain why she continues to act so unresponsively! She's still recovering from having been attacked!"

"Is that really it, though?" asks Kuzuryuu, looking to the side. "What if she's still—you know."

What an excellent idea Kuzuryuu-kun just had, Komaeda suddenly exclaims. What if, indeed! Can you imagine how very terrible it would be if Saionji-san ends up being in despair, still? I wonder if it's a good idea to leave her alone like that. Does nurse-san have a family? A boyfriend? I wonder what they would look like in tears!

Hinata swallows, eyes wide. Komaeda returns to attack: Hinata-kun! Now, you obviously know that I am only developing this theory because I fear for you, of course. I would never spend the slightest amount of time attempting to figure out the consequences of despair, but since Naegi-kun is trying ever so hard to make a better world, doesn't it make sense that I would spare you and do such an unlikeable job myself? I don't mind it, of course I don't, if it means you are free to enjoy the amazing life you deserve, but I'm sorry to say I must disturb your peace of mind with these news!

 _She wouldn't be_ , he thinks back, and then decides to say it out loud.

When he looks up from the table, he finds that Kuzuryuu and Sonia are waiting for him to develop.

"She wouldn't be in despair. And even if she did wake up like that, we would've noticed. Or the nurse would've noticed. They're trained to handle—" _me_ , "—despair. So."

The two nod reticently. Sonia looks lost in thought, however.

"I wonder why Naegi-san and Kirigiri-san weren't there when Saionji-san was brought to her room," she says, and Hinata and Kuzuryuu frown, only realizing it now.

* * *

It turns out Naegi and the others are not in Jabberwock Island. Hinata gets a mail from Kirigiri, something astonishingly short—"in Nagoya, no communications"—and then tells the others. Neither Sonia nor Kuzuryuu have received anything, and Hinata feels a little guilty without knowing why.

"Fukawa's not here either," Kuzuryuu says. "I spent half an hour browsing the underground corridors and I couldn't find her."

"We aren't alone," Sonia says brightly. "The hospital staff are still with us! However, I find that Fukawa-san not being around makes me feel a little lonely."

Hinata trades a skeptic look with Kuzuryuu. Fukawa's never been helpful or particularly pleasant, but, at the same time, he sort of understands Sonia's feelings (though he doesn't particularly share them). Still, the fact is that they're alone, uncontrolled, and—

You probably will not get another chance at your feeble-minded plan, someone tells him, in the dull voice he has already learned to put a name to. If you must do it, I suggest you do so while you can.

 _I know_ , he replies testily, glaring at his empty plate. Sonia and Kuzuryuu do not notice. _I just need time to—I just need time._

There is no reply.

* * *

He starts by looking around the underground levels. The elevator takes him to the lowest one, because Hinata is excellent at common sense, and something tells him the really important stuff would be packed away the furthest. He must be right, he discovers, because every single door in the corridor is locked, with card readers installed on their sides. He makes sure, too, walking around with a properly confused expression.

No one comes to ask him why he's here, but that doesn't mean he's not being watched. It's the dull voice who tells him this, like he's supposed to suspect his saviors twenty-four seven. Hinata hates him, god, he hates him so much, but he would be a fool to waste help he so clearly needs.

On the return trip, he tries thinking about how he's supposed to actually do this, and comes up short. Frustratingly so; he gets into a foul mood that lasts throughout the day.

Sonia and Kuzuryuu notice, of course, since he spends their entire lunch hour staring at his plate and playing with his food.

"You okay?" Kuzuryuu asks eventually, when the conversation between him and Sonia eventually trickles down to nothing. Hinata lifts his head, feeling bland and annoyed and stupid, and then, just like that—gets it.

Good job, the dull voice says, in a tone so flat a ball could roll on it forever. It doesn't say anything else.

"Mm," is what Hinata replies, shrugging slowly, "didn't get enough sleep."

"Sucks, man," Kuzuryuu says sympathetically, and the first flag is raised, however how subtly.

* * *

No matter how hard he tries, he will never be able to emulate Kamukura completely – both because he would rather die than to be inside his incomprehensible mind that easily, and because he never met him. Hinata supposes it's painstakingly obvious he hasn't or won't ever meet Kamukura, and, though this is the biggest flaw in his plan, it's also the only thing he can do that will allow Hinata back into the island.

Komaeda feels particularly strongly about Hinata's mission when he first starts trying to plan it.

"A gamble, Hinata-kun?" he asks, surprised, when it's three AM and Hinata is staring at the ceiling. His room is dark. "I don't mean to sound pretentious, though I do worry about you, you know – I'm the one who's the luckiest, and look at me now! Lying half-dead because of you. I forgive you, of _course_ I do, but I worry a lot! After all, it's simple logic. Simple enough for even me to be able to explain! If I'm in this condition, and I'm SHSL Lucky, then, what does that say about you, mm, Hinata-kun?"

It makes Hinata anxious enough for him to throw the covers off and make absolutely sure Kirigiri is still in Nagoya. She is, and Hinata breathes slowly and quietly, until his hands stop shaking against the keyboard of his laptop.

He begins checking his mail compulsively, after that. Kirigiri is diligent, even if her emails are nothing but two or three-word sentences, and Hinata balances his expeditions into the underground according to the time he has left. There is no doubt whatsoever that he would be unable to convince his underclassmen that he has reverted into despair, and that's why he makes sure they will stay away for a while.

But—

Sonia and Kuzuryuu have never met Kamukura. At least, not this Sonia. Not this Kuzuryuu. He's free to disappoint them and worry them as much as he likes.

Hinata tries not to think about it much; the guilt will end him, for sure.

* * *

He stops joining Kuzuryuu in the gym, or Sonia in the library, and he slowly, carefully detaches himself from conversations when they talk during lunch hour. Declining to visit Saionji is not odd enough for them to care, because Sonia and Kuzuryuu _know_ him, and they know Hinata is still uncomfortable sticking around the dancer.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, because it does.

It hurts. It hurts like hell, and Hinata doubts himself over and over – this will never work, this is stupid, and I'm being selfish. That's the easiest part, however; Hinata is used to fighting himself, and he already knows his own patterns. What really packs the punch is the other players.

Komaeda's voice seeps inside his head more and more frequently – mostly when he lies in bed at night, struggling to keep awake – and though the dull voice is polite enough to never bother him, the absence of pallid pinks leaves him devastated.

"This is what I wanted," Hinata says to himself, looking at his hands in the dim light of his laptop.

He's getting less sure, and, this time, no one voices their opinion inside the messy hallways of his head.

Hinata is almost, almost disappointed.


End file.
